Five gold rings really glisten,
but those geese are a hissin'
at the swans, as they lay
more eggs every day,
I tell you all this mayhem was planned.

The pear tree has a new bird,
I'd have loved a little blue bird,
but this cannot go on,
it's simply just wrong,
as a cheeky french hen pecks my hand.

Out in the garden there is a show, man,
with all those silly lords a leaping around,
now they have destroyed my little snowman,
and trampled all my heathers in the ground!

Meanwhile, at the fire,
the dairy maids all conspire
and plan a big raid,
it's war I'm afraid,
on that very noisy drumming band.
 
It is the season for ho ho ho man,
for wearing brightest smiles, not a frown,
the turtles doves seem to heed no man,
with all the bird droppings on the ground.

The pipers pipes are quite shrilling,
as the bird poop keeps on spilling,
the dancing ladies run away,
they can no longer stay,
all this crap is more than they can stand.

I simply cannot take anymore
of bird droppings on the floor,
I have finished with this man,
done before it began,
insanity was what he had planned.